moved from myspace blog

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

MY new year’s resolutions -frequent updates in journal -drastic decline in caffeine intake (once a week) -no more soda, seriously (except. ginger ale/club soda) -drink more alcohol -advance in sexual experience (HAHA) -read a book a week -keep room clean daily -clean bathroom weekly -save money -work on flirting skills -expand music/dance/movie knowledge -play an instrument - learn french -exercise daily -be happy -be my age -don't miss school -do homework EVERYDAY -figure out what university i'll want to transfer to after two years Friday, January 11, 2008 but i’ve got some sweet moves i used to say "i'm not a good dancer... but i do have some sweet moves." the level of where i'm at when it comes to dance skill and technique is not all that high, granted i only really started dancing my sophomore year, with no previous experience or known flexibility, ha. (dance team in 7th grade REALLY doesn't count, i never realized how much we just shook our booties everywhere. it's pretty sick to think about, considering how young we were.) i believe that i've always had a secret passion for dance, though, and it was only recently that i came to realize it. even in 7th grade i had no grand desire to try-out, but i found myself doing so anyway, and it's the same with spring of my freshman year. perhaps my subconscious told me to both times. i really love dance, all dance, truly and thoroughly. it is frustrating, not being at the level (yet) where i aspire to be. i plan on double-majoring in college, one major being dance, there other undecided (with a narrowed list of possibilties) as of now. it's worrisome and intimidating. if i'm no comparison to others with who have more experience now, will i ever match-up to others at the college-level? right now i'm going to say YES. Monday, January 14, 2008 where do you see yourself living in twenty years? i thought about it again and i had these wild ideas- london, reims, chicago, sydney, cape town... anywhere from oregon to california to texas to new york to south carolina and now georgia. i couldn't pick a place. i didn't want to pick a place because i began to think if i pictured myself living someplace then i'd end up dying there. i'm not afraid of dying or being killed, i'm just afraid of being dead. i'm really afraid. do you know what i mean? is there something wrong with me, really? how come i rarely get asked out? i'm 18 soon, and i have only had 2 boyfriends, both relationships not lasting long enough to truly consider. i ask my close friends, and they can't give me a straight answer. personally, i think i'm awesome. and not wacky like most girls. i'm not clingy. and i don't expect the guy to pay all the time! the only reasons i've come up with are: 1. i'm considerablly fat/unattractive 2. i'm cock-blocked 3. i don't know how to flirt properly 4. boys are too shy to ask me out 5. boys around here are only looking for pussy right now 6. some still think i'm a lesbian because of my status change that one time. well, fuck. i just hope it's not 4, because that pisses me off. why feel something for someone and never tell them? i would tell a guy i like him but it seems any that i do like never talk to me or has already brought up interest in someone else. and in the case of the latter, if that's just some trick to try and get me to express my jealousy- you're stupid. stop. i'm just going to continue being your friend and eventually get over you because i figure you never liked me that way anyway.

the movie EVENING

it had the best the intentions... and despite it not being the best movie, it made me cry, really hard.
partly because of the part where she didn't end up with her true love, but mostly because it made me think about my mom, and how i barely know anything about her- her past, her favorite things, what she's thinking, why she's thinking it. i don't think i'll ever know. it's perhaps the thing that makes me most sad in my life. i'll talk more on this another time.

i'll be sad

please don't flake out on my birthday party drew danburry. :( your responses have been very drawn-out lately. if the band can't come, or if you can't even come yourself, just say so. just tell it to me straight, i hate being left guessing and anticipating.