hello
How am i? ( be prepared for rambling )
i'm......... okay. when people tell me they're okay i always ask, "where's that okay leaning? bad okay, good okay? okay okay? (otherwise known as a balanced/standard okay). Asking myself this, my first response was a balanced okay. But I think it's really more of a bad okay... I'm doing really poorly with myself lately. I've let myself go... in more ways than getting heavier. Yeah, I have. Damn it, me. But, I'm not worried about it (yet) my body is telling me it's just a phase. I've let myself go with the way I feel about things. I've given up, grown apathetic. I don't know if I'll even pass my classes this quarter, with it ending this upcoming week. I'm satisfying myself and being hopeful that I'll just get a D, ha! God. I don't know if I care about the honors diploma anymore. I'm really letting myself down inside. But outside I just don't care. What sucks is that I know I'm letting others down too, the few that believe I can be more than what I am. I don't know what to do...
It's been just over a month with my boyfriend now. We had a silent argument last night. No real words said, but I'm sure we knew what the other was thinking. It was about time. He wants to see me everyday. I like my space, but he just thinks it's because I'm too busy. That is true. I am busy, and restricted by parents..... but I also just like some time alone, that's all. Does that make me selfish? That I'd rather spend the last two days of spring break home, watching a dvd or two by myself?.. Doing my homework (eventually).... Yeah. I'm probably selfish.
This is a problem to me. It's not big now, but I feel it will become a big deal in the long-run. I do like my time alone, I love it. I love spending time with him too. I know he doesn't like that I can't see him everyday, and he's tolerating it right now.. but will he be consistently able to?
He's tricky. I can't tell how much I like him. I can't tell what he's thinking, so I can't tell how much he likes me either. Not so much- "how much" but rather, "how". Well, I really like him, I know that. In fact, I love him. He's great. I am not in love with him, though, and that's what troubles me. How do I love him? I definitely love him more than a brother, and I do love him more than a friend. I'm attracted to him emotionally and physically. I don't see us breaking up any time soon. But I don't know if I'd ever marry him... So what does he fall under?
He does not love me, he told me after I told him I was possibly nearly in love with him but not yet. Which is fine. But he also already brought up living together eventually. So that's weird.
Merp.
I wish I had my best friends to talk to about this, or my siblings, but I feel like I don't have any of them right now. They're all caught up in their own lives... but I understand. I am too, after all... I just miss them all the time.
Life sucks.
Dear Frankie is a good movie.
I love Gerard Butler.
Goodbye.
i'm......... okay. when people tell me they're okay i always ask, "where's that okay leaning? bad okay, good okay? okay okay? (otherwise known as a balanced/standard okay). Asking myself this, my first response was a balanced okay. But I think it's really more of a bad okay... I'm doing really poorly with myself lately. I've let myself go... in more ways than getting heavier. Yeah, I have. Damn it, me. But, I'm not worried about it (yet) my body is telling me it's just a phase. I've let myself go with the way I feel about things. I've given up, grown apathetic. I don't know if I'll even pass my classes this quarter, with it ending this upcoming week. I'm satisfying myself and being hopeful that I'll just get a D, ha! God. I don't know if I care about the honors diploma anymore. I'm really letting myself down inside. But outside I just don't care. What sucks is that I know I'm letting others down too, the few that believe I can be more than what I am. I don't know what to do...
It's been just over a month with my boyfriend now. We had a silent argument last night. No real words said, but I'm sure we knew what the other was thinking. It was about time. He wants to see me everyday. I like my space, but he just thinks it's because I'm too busy. That is true. I am busy, and restricted by parents..... but I also just like some time alone, that's all. Does that make me selfish? That I'd rather spend the last two days of spring break home, watching a dvd or two by myself?.. Doing my homework (eventually).... Yeah. I'm probably selfish.
This is a problem to me. It's not big now, but I feel it will become a big deal in the long-run. I do like my time alone, I love it. I love spending time with him too. I know he doesn't like that I can't see him everyday, and he's tolerating it right now.. but will he be consistently able to?
He's tricky. I can't tell how much I like him. I can't tell what he's thinking, so I can't tell how much he likes me either. Not so much- "how much" but rather, "how". Well, I really like him, I know that. In fact, I love him. He's great. I am not in love with him, though, and that's what troubles me. How do I love him? I definitely love him more than a brother, and I do love him more than a friend. I'm attracted to him emotionally and physically. I don't see us breaking up any time soon. But I don't know if I'd ever marry him... So what does he fall under?
He does not love me, he told me after I told him I was possibly nearly in love with him but not yet. Which is fine. But he also already brought up living together eventually. So that's weird.
Merp.
I wish I had my best friends to talk to about this, or my siblings, but I feel like I don't have any of them right now. They're all caught up in their own lives... but I understand. I am too, after all... I just miss them all the time.
Life sucks.
Dear Frankie is a good movie.
I love Gerard Butler.
Goodbye.
posted by Hey Ash at 8:09 PM
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